Love Bites! p.5

We had a fight. I was so damn tired of him not talking to me. He had been ignoring me for weeks. I was no longer invited to family get-togethers.
"I'm leaving", he said, just as he did six and a half years ago, when he went to Texas. I don't remember much more after that, except that I cried a lot, begged him not to go. Begged for marriage counseling.
I'm too codependent, he said. He's tired of my mouth. And I'm angry....all the time.
I ended up in the hospital yet again. For suicidal ideation yet again. This time, I had a plan. It was going to be a big bottle of sleeping pills. I had never had a plan before.

It seems strange. For years, the ex was not a part of Brandon's life. In April, he saw him again. He gave me "that smile". And for months afterwards, he was in my dreams. Interesting dreams. We had a lot of....conversations. Next week, he's comming to visit, to see our son. Spend time with him. Start building a relationship with him. Brandon needs a father. A father that won't yell at him all the time. A father that will actually play with him. Who won't play favorites. Since Max has decided to separate from me, he doesn't want to see Brandon.

Max has been very cold. He's fine with being in my bed every once in a while, as long as I "Don't get the wrong idea". He says that he's trying not to hurt me, but in reality he's shredding my heart even more.

I miss him. I love him. But I have to "Get a life".

I'm going out with friends tonight; my gay boss is taking me to a gay bar. Max is angry that i don't have a DD. Screw it. He's given up the right to care. And I got invited to a party on Friday night.

Maybe its time for me to start acting my age. God knows I feel twenty years older.

Happy birthday, baby girl. Mama misses you and loves you.